irrrational musings

this post is irrational and i know it. so bear with me.

we went to the doctor this weekend for gommy's 9 month appointment, and he's doing extremely well. he's following his growth charts (for the most part), and has taken the slightest dip in head size.

his brother had a huge melon. gommy's was well with a normal range, but on the small size. i remember when he was born thinking that he 1) looked small and 2) looked proportional...which is different because babies normally have an orange on a toothpick for a head. but again, it was well within the normal range. the doctors didnt mention anything about it, and it didnt really register as a red flag in my mind...just one that i kind of went "huh" and moved on with.

a part of PMG is microcephaly, meaning smaller sized heads. rationally, gommy does not meet the criteria to be considered microcephalic. rationally, it's possible that his head charts are going to be off because of his time in his cranial band. rationally, there is nothing to even pay even the remotest amount of attention to in this situation.

irrationally, i should have known. i should have taken the next step in logic when i thought he looked "proportional". irrationally i should have had some sort of fatherly spidey sense that something was going on.

back to rationally discussing my irrational concerns. could we have done anything? no. the damage had been done. he's doing extraordinarily well...to the point where every doctor that we see is almost shocked about how interactive he is, and how physically active he is--and not just for a kid with CP--in general. Gommy is doing great.

but irrationally again...there are moments where i feel an extraordinary amount of pressure as a parent...which is not a bad thing really because parenting should be a huge responsibility. and the pressure doesnt manifest as a burden by any stroke of the imagination, but it feels like in order for gommy to be the best he can be, i need to be the best i can be for him at all times. and not noticing...rather not giving creedence to the thought i had about his head being proportional makes me feel like i let him down in some odd strange sick way.

and i know i didnt. i know that. but the irrational part of me hasnt stopped thinking about it since our doctor's appointment.