All The Tears

This week has been a bastard which is likely why you are hearing from us twice, and it's only Tuesday.  This week shouldn't have been so bad.  Nothing has happened.  Yet everything has happened, at least in our heads.  That's the thing about being a special needs parent, you can be walking around all fine in your "normal", which is far from anything that could be considered normal and something just gets thrown at you that F-s up your world.  For this reason you never go there.  The place that I have refused to go during this whole journey.  The place I was smart enough to avoid even in my first hour as a special needs mom.  The place we brush past every time we mourn the loss of another child in our support group, but we never go there.  To go there means you won't survive this journey.  There is a place we know exists, but it is not for us to visit.  If we go there, how will we ever get back?
       
It started off with a simple blog.  There was one statement "I don't know how he survived" that a doctor made in reference to a PMG patient having seizures.  For some reason this just hit me hard.  At any given point, I am completely aware that Gominic has a 95% likelihood of seizures and these are most likely to start before he turns 4, though he will never outgrow the risk. I know that if his seizures happen, our lives will change dramatically.  I know we may be in the hospital for a long time.  I know we may have to move to Colorado, where medical marijuana, which is very effective in controlling the types of seizures he is likely to have, is legal.  I know all these things, and I am prepared for them.  I also know that kids die from these seizures.  But I don't put these things together.  To do so, would be to go there.

Except just this once, I allowed myself to go there.  I mourned for my son.  I mourned for the fact that I may outlive him.  I cried every second I was by myself.  I ugly-faced cried every day in the shower.  YOU. CANNOT. GO. THERE.    

Then came the video "Cordas".  If you haven't watched it, you should.  It is the most beautiful story of a friendship between a little boy with Cerebral Palsy and a little girl.  It reminded me of Gominic and his very special little girl friend.  But the boy dies in the video.  It was like one big kick to the grief crotch.  And I was already THERE.

So I mourned some more, and Big Poppa mourned with me.  We wondered how to get out of THERE. We thought about the reality of our situation, and we cried.  This is why we can never go there.  How do you think these thoughts and go back to real life?

After we had cried all the tears and said the things out loud that we have never wanted to say, we knew we had to leave that place.  After all, everything is the same.  This whole scenario is just our fears for the future.

So we decide to muster every bit of strength we have and leave that place.  Big Poppa decided to put some Pandora on to help, and what song do you think started playing?  IF. I. DIE. YOUNG.  Ok, now you've got to be f-ing kidding me!?

But we just laughed.  And we haven't stopped.  Because we know it was a sign.  God has a sense of humor just as inappropriate and f-ed up as ours, and He didn't want us to stay in that place.  He knew just how to reach us.