Monsters

Monsters are fictional beings that exist only within your head. They aren't real...but even though you continue to tell yourself that they aren't real, they still scare you. Can you do anything about monsters? Not really...you just have to hope if/when they do come after you, you're brave enough and strong enough to take them head on, which you probably will be. So in that sense the real impact of a monster resides in the hypothetical. Monsters are more about psychological warfare, than actual warfare.

We don't admit it very often, but being a special needs parent can be difficult. Parenting in general is difficult, but there are a few extra doozies that come along with our current journey. The frustrating part of them is most all of the difficulties are self imposed. Sure it's a pain to drive to Austin regularly for appointments, but road trips with our boys are fun as hell...so really those trips are a win for us. I'm more talking about the difficulties associated with seeing neurotypical kids younger than Gommy who are doing more physically than he's doing. More about the concern for the future and what not.

And all of that is just crap because Gommy doesnt care, and he's the one that matters! Why should we even for one second think that our life is difficult when we are 100% able living in an ableist world when Gommy himself has a YOLO attitude about everything that he encounters and approaches life with an illimitable amount of zeal and happiness?

Therein lies the rub. We take our cues from him, but we have our quiet moments too. That's where the monsters come in.

The main monster...the one that terrifies us to no end and leaves us shaking and on the verge of tears is the possibility of seizures. We don't often indulge ourselves in the realm of hypothetical, but the thought of seeing our son going through a seizure is breathtakingly scary, and something we cant help but think about. Maybe it's a method of self-preservation...that somehow if we think about it now we'll be better equipped to deal with it when it happens. But we know that's a lie. We wont be ready. We'll simply have to be brave enough and strong enough if/when it happens.

And even now I'm crying in anticipation. For no reason whatsoever. Just out of fear.

There's a possibility that Gommy might not have seizures. He might defy the odds there. We might not ever have to come face to face with this monster, this gargantuan fiend that we dont know if we can fight off. It might not ever happen, and we're doing what little we can to keep it from happening through his diet, sleep patterns etc. We had the sleep study done and for a 48 hour period in October of 2013, Gommy was not having any seizures. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

But really we have no control over whether they happen. And as routine and normal as today is, the reality is that tomorrow might be completely different. And I know we are strong enough to handle it. I know that Gommy is strong enough to handle them. I know that through prayer we will come out unscathed on the other side.

At least I think I know that.

But that's the thing about monsters. They feed on doubt and possibility. They take up space in your mind and you build them up to be so big that they seem unconquerable.

We're strong. We're powerful. We might not know it sometimes, but no monster can ever defeat us...and we need to continue reminding ourselves as much.